The Undisputed Truth

I really, really relate to this blog post over at Witness314. It really woke up a lot memories, emotions and thoughts about a former “person in my life”… to say the least. I’m not sure if I can call her a former friend or former girlfriend, given all the indignance I feel towards her. For me its just 9 months, but I can see myself feeling the same a year and a half later too. Here’s the post :

So I’m sorry to say after a year and a half I still miss and love my ex-fiance. It makes me mad that I do cause I’m pretty sure she doesn’t at all. I guess I just hate that fact that I knew she was the one. I mean we were a perfect couple and the last 7 or so months we had problems I did some shit so did she. The most fucked up part is I’ve learned about myself that my achilles heal is love. I’m a strong guy as far as emotions and being vulnerable goes but really a year and a half? C’mon I don’t think I really have ever been in love until her.

What’s really weird is I have ex’s coming from everywhere trying to get at me and it means nothing. I have new girls trying to get at me and it still means nothing. There are girls now that I never thought would talk to me, I mean beautiful women that are DTF”down to fuck” and I don’t want to, she is still more beautiful to me. Like I said I hate the fact that I’m not over her but I truly don’t want to forget her or hate her to forget her, but on a daily basis I think of her smile and her eyes. I know she doesn’t need a man in her life just like I don’t need a women in mine. We’re born alone we die alone but I wanted to share my life with her and still do.

I know we’re never gonna get back together no matter how much my heart would want me to believe other wise, but she was my best friend and I don’t have that anymore. I just don’t get how all the things we said to each other don’t mean shit anymore, people don’t try for each other like they use to, don’t sacrifice like my grandparents did. She never told me what she wanted and I always said the wrong things to stop the fights. I now hate the saying”you don’t know what you have til it’s gone” cause it’s true. She doesn’t understand how I had to lose her to know what she meant to me. My only answer is I just did. I want to talk to her and talk about how all I want is another chance but she won’t. I don’t get it i’ve seen guys get married on death row, women take back their sex addict husbands, buys who beat their wives and almost killed them but get a 2nd chance and yes I agree those women are idiots for doing the shit. But I was ready to give her the world and would have broke my neck trying to and she left. She left the day after my son left and it was the 1st time I saw him in his 1st 5 years since the adoption.

Everyone tells me she didn’t love me or someone that did love me wouldn’t have done anything like that to me. My head hears and agrees but like I said my heart won’t give up on her. And if you know me I wear my heart on my sleeve and it always wins. There’s one thing I would always tell her. We’d be laying in bed looking at each other and she would ask “Baby how do you know your gonna love me when I get older and out of shape?” I’d look her in the eyes and tell her sweetheart I know cause when I close my eyes and hold your hand your gonna feel just like you feel now and when I look at you all I’m gonna see is you the person I love. I’ve never said that to anyone but I said it to her and it’s still true. I still have days where I want to sleep the whole day away cause I miss her or think about her non-stop. I hate that I do it i wish I could erase the 5 1/2 years we had so I could be over her. I don’t have any regrets in my life besides breaking her heart and thats soo real. Everything I’ve done in my life has made me who I am now but the only thing I learned from this is heartbreak, confusion, and feeling alone. I’m a strong guy but this definitely has brought out the bitch in me.

I know if we were every to get back together she would want the old me, shit talker, sarcastic but still let her know she was the one. Honestly I’ve beat myself up abut her so much that when I do get around her I still try to make up for hurting her not talking into account that she fucked up just as much if not more at this point. I forgive her but no I will never forget I know underneath it all I’m the same person but when I needed her most she abandoned me. We are all human and we make mistakes but this shit with her I don’t understand and I may never she never told me what she wanted and I’m not a mind reader that was a big problem. Communication was an issue but I know married people with worse issues. I guess the thing that fucks with my head ladies is by far women you are the most beautiful and sexiest thing known to man, but there’s something fucked up about your thought process. Not all women but it seems like a lot these days. You say you want a good man that will be good to you love you and treat you right. But when that guy comes you either don’t give him the time of day or you treat him like shit. Women go for the guy that’s gonna cheat on her and use her and whatever else, not only that but if he leaves her she’ll fight for him and try to make shit work.

Good guys with jobs and ambition get kicked to the curb while assholes with issues get all the love. I know since I’ve been single I tried the asshole approach and the shit works like no other. It’s not who I am but it works none the less. I got with 2 girls who are best friends and they knew about it didn’t care as long as I acted like a dick to them, still talking to them and they still wanna get smashed. If I wold have came at them and been nice like a gentleman like I normally do it would have never happened. Women just decide what you want. Anyways I was with my ex so long that when she left it felt like a divorce I miss her family, her best friend, and her just like I miss my family. And I have our valentines day puppy as a constant reminder of her, how nice of her to take everything except things that don’t remind her of us and leave them with me. that’s it that was my sob story. back to drinking and trying to hate her now wish me luck

Check out the original at http://witness314.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/never-love-the-girl-love-the-moments-with-her/